Inexplicable Explanation


These past few weeks, I’ve been finding myself becoming increasingly more of a sap over small things.  Or suddenly struck with fear or dread over something I see on the television.  I watched Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. I am a horse lover, so I like the movie, but I cried the entire time.  That’s not normal.  I cried when a man was kind and caring to a woman on a television show.  And I start thinking, “Wow, I’m emotional with no explanation.” But there’s always an explanation.  I just have yet to find it.  Or want to find it.  Normally it’s the latter.
I had not been putting much thought into it until it refused to be ignored the past two days – over the weekend, when I was laid up in bed from a herniated disc in my neck.  I’m going on month 5 of this, and after a long week, I had planned on having no plans over the weekend.  Apparently, my emotional self, and all the other “selves” that come with that, took advantage of this time.
Perhaps I have been avoiding them.  Even neglecting them.  Or perhaps I’ve downright abandoned them lately.  I think I’ve had to.  I’ve had stress lately…I think I’ve lost time once or twice.  My memory has been downright shitty.
And now I’m crying at animated movies narrated by Matt Damon from 2002.
How the fuck did I get myself here?
I keep thinking, “Yeah, you’re good…You don’t need therapy anymore.  Besides, what else can she help you with? Clearly, you’ve made your decision.  Clearly, you think you can handle having contact with your father while still living near your mother who works long distance for your father.  Clearly, you think that’s the only way forward right now, so clearly, that’s the way forward.”
Have you ever gotten yourself so screwed over in a position….Financially, mentally, emotionally….That you just can’t find a way out?
That’s where I am.  It will be years before I dig myself out of the hole I’m in.  I’m working on it.  I’m trying to explore possible escape routes.  But it appears I will have to suck it up and take the long way out.
I sure hope my life is worth it. Good thing I’ve got this new semicolon tattoo on my ankle to keep me sane.

The definition of crazy

I feel like I am wandering around in the dark without a flashlight. Or even a stick or a pole so that I could tell when I’m going to run into a wall.

This morning, I made mistake, a small one that can easily be fixed and will never happen again, and I completely broke down and felt a new resolve to die. And I kept thinking, this is so ridiculous! How can I be so sensitive? I went out of my way to apologize for the third time and was able to get just a bit of peace, to the point where I could temporarily tolerate being in my head.

I keep thinking about my T’s reaction to something I told her yesterday. About a month ago I got an anonymous email to my work address that had private Facebook messages containing some not so flattering things my mother said about my father to her sister and friend. About a week later, my father sent a scathing email to my mother (copying me on it, of course) saying that he wouldn’t tolerate her bad mouthing him on Facebook. It’s really complicated as to how he had access to her account, but it has to do with her job and the account for the place she works for. So she immediately knew that he was the one who sent me the anonymous email. I doubted it at first, just because I couldn’t see him going through the steps of creating an anonymous email address and purposefully sending it to my work email, which is public, rather than my personal email so that I wouldn’t immediately suspect him.

He obviously wanted me to see what my mother said about him (and the text where she said especially bad things about him was literally highlighted) just so that I would turn against her and see what an innocent victim he is in all of this. I told T it was kind of crazy, and she said that it is crazy, and that his behavior in general is crazy. Looking at her face, she looked visibly surprised at his actions and seemed contemplative as to what this says about him and his personality.

Despite all of this crazy behavior from him, my mother has still been surprised when he doesn’t praise her for doing a good job and for when he’s especially nit picky or just plain mean. And she vents to me about this, and I keep asking her, what did you expect? And she tells me what she expected…all unrealistic things. The other night when she was going on I just got angry and said that I’m not the best person for her to talk to about this, since I’d just say screw him (T said amen to that…). And then she mentioned that her behavior, by definition, could also be described as crazy.

I don’t know what it was about all of that stuff, but T seemed somewhat somber about the things I told her. It seems minor to me. It’s not a big deal. I just don’t know if it seems that way because I’m stronger or because I’m just numbing myself from feeling anything about it.

I guess, if I let myself, I’d feel a lot of grief over the fact that I’m more grown up than both of my parents. But I don’t really want to do that.

But, even though T was supportive as always, I am thinking about taking a break. When I told her it’s too hard to talk right now, she said that I’ve said that several times. Which only made me feel ashamed at being stuck and unable to talk and reiterated my feeling that I’m wasting her time. She said we could sit in silence, and I said I didn’t want to waste her time. She said, “Waste it.” No, that doesn’t make me feel any better or any more likely to sit in silence for an hour.

I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore..