Quite a lot has happened since I’ve last been on here. I’ve wanted, many times, to come and write…But I’ve inevitably been so tired that I just end up falling asleep before I get the chance to get any thoughts out. I’ve struggled with medical issues that continue to plague me.
But that’s not what brings me here tonight.
My job….Isn’t it pathetic that out of everything we as humans (or, we Americans…) can experience and do with our lives, our jobs have the ability to either make or break us? How wonderful the world would be if we could all seek the knowledge we desire without financial barriers, to discover other cultures, to all learn how similar we are no matter our differences.
I’ve learned in my time now that I can see the best and the worst of people when I work with them. I’m sure that’s the same of most professions. How can you not get to know people so intimately, spending 40 hours a week with them? However, there is something…disturbing to me about my boss, who began his position as director of our office in March. From our first sit down during his initial week in the office, despite the outward appearance of collegiality, we clashed. I do not know why. This is truly not a case of my inability to see how I come across; I have had others confirm that it does seem like my boss doesn’t like me, no matter how kind, courteous, efficient, helpful, or any other adjective I am to him.
Here’s the kicker.
In a conversation with one of my colleagues, who happens to be my closest friend and the only friend who knows the deepest secrets of my past, he said some disturbing things. He told her about his abusive past, which he’d mentioned before in a way to give context to how he sometimes doesn’t pick up on emotions very well. He then told her that he “saw me coming from a mile away.” He told her he could tell I’d been abused.
At that point in time, I’d had ONE conversation with the man. How the FUCK could he know that.
It gets worse.
In another conversation with him, he was trying to “flatter” me into being willing to become a glorified secretary because that position was cut from our office budget. My position is so many steps above that it’s not even funny….He has an illusion that he can move someone (me) into that position while retaining my current title. While attempting flattery….or intimidation…. he commented how well I work with students. He said it’s something that can’t be taught and that some of it’s natural, some of it’s training, and, of course, some of it’s from my background.
I was totally “there” and “present” during that meeting but for a second I just receded back into myself and started asking, what did he just say? I wanted to verbally ask, “…And what background would that be?” But I had lost my nerve. With that one word, he took all of the gusto out of me. And he knew it.
He had all the power. With one word. One reference.
So, after a few other awful things happened in our office to me and to other people, we’ve finally had enough. We went to the Equity office and Human Resources. They are conducting an investigation, handled personally by their director. I’ve already had two sit downs with them. They’ve pulled in my direct supervisor as well as at least 6 other people from my office. Yet, during my two sit downs, I couldn’t bring myself to mention his comments about my past. Believe me, I had plenty of other problems to talk about….But I couldn’t do it.
Until today, when I saw how, over the past few days, he’s still been threatening good people with termination with no cause as if nothing is happening and ignoring the entire office except those who flatter him or get in his way. So, I decided that I wanted to add a little fuel to the fire. Perhaps put a nail in the coffin…..I don’t know. I hope HR is preparing one for him. But just in case, I’m going in to HR again, tomorrow, to tell them about what my boss “knows”….or thinks he knows.
I’m not a particularly good Christian. I rarely pray, and when I do, it’s pathetic. Most Christians would probably listen to my views on God and religion and laugh and say I’m going to Hell…But no matter.
I need something tonight. Prayer. Karma. Luck. Because I’m about to tell someone (HR) about my past, who is then going to share it with someone else and then someone else. The group of people who know is extremely small. The amount of people who believe me? Even smaller. And, oh yeah….I can’t remember what I’ve put on here and what I haven’t, but my mother knows, or knew. She’s decided she doesn’t think anything happened now. So count her in the group that doesn’t believe. Super helpful.
But my boss could see me coming from a mile away. What is this world that I live in? How will I ever come to terms with this? Even when I don’t share anything, my past comes up and haunts me. Even when I don’t believe my past anymore, something comes up and haunts me again. I will never be free of this, will I?