The blog is the therapy. I knew it, but I didn’t truly realize it until now.
What I mean is, when I can’t talk to someone else – not completely – and when I can’t talk to my therapist, I come here.
Right now I’m not talking to my therapist because I’m fine. I don’t need therapy.
So here I am again, 2 days in a row after months unwritten. The topic today? Me writhing in my own shit once again. I made my bed; now I have to lay in it.
Only…This bed yells at me, tells me something is wrong in me, that I have hate in my voice when I speak (perhaps I should speak with Hillary Clinton). Tells me I have no right to speak to my doctor on my own. I speak back in a confident voice that is not my own. And once the call ends, I break down. I break down for hours without end….because the tears seem to come from that endless well that I’ve spoken of for so many years. Yet I’ve never reached the bottom. When will I find it?
That bed. I’ve made that bed. And now I’m laying in it. And it wreaks. It crawls. The bugs are biting me in unseen places.
I come home and realize: I never should have done this. I knew it could never work. He was never a changed person. Did it happen? I don’t know. But I can’t handle him. I was healthier without him. Undeniably. Yes? No? So many doubts.
The only thing undeniable right now is the love my Golden Retriever has for me right now. That….Now, that, is something I can always count on. For now, that will be enough to satisfy this troubled soul.