If anyone really reads this, I am sorry that I have not been posting lately.
My mother and I have had a very contentious relationship since I told her… You know. I had hoped that her knowing the whole truth would help her understand me a bit more. But it hasn’t. If anything, things have gotten worse, because I have just gotten more frustrated and angry that she has continued on with her life like nothing has changed and hasn’t echoed one word of support.
I’ve told my therapist our conversations and she has told me, “Oh she’s good” when it comes to how she twists things around to make them about her and pin me a corner without an escape. But today was different. Because this time, I knew there was no way she could pin me in a corner.
She got into it with me because I made a “unilateral” decision about the horses (she often says she will defer to me because I am the “expert”). The issue was only about some hay nets that I wanted to use. When things escalated, I walked away.
Then I decided to come back downstairs. Because I was tired. I want to come back to the house that I own and enjoy it, not be afraid of the occupant waiting for me.
I asked her to name one thing she has done to support me since I “told her”. For the SECOND time since I told her about everything, she actually asked me, “Since you told me what?” As if she has forgotten what I told her. I said, “Are you freaking kidding me?” And she said something like, “Ok, ok – but you said you didn’t want to talk about it.” I told her that that didn’t mean I couldn’t use some sort of words of support every now and then.
She then started going on about how she has always been supportive of me all throughout my life and how could I say that about her, so on and so forth. And I stopped her right then and I told her, “No. You don’t get to make this about you. What have you done for me since I told you?”
I told her how much it hurt that she has done nothing to support me since I told her months ago. Her ability to go on with her life as if nothing happened is like her not believing me. She kept saying that I told her I didn’t want to talk about it and that she didn’t know what she was supposed to do, and just like I have told her before, I reiterated that I don’t have the mental or emotional strength to teach her what she’s supposed to do or how she’s supposed to deal with it. She has to find someone else to do that. I asked her, “How can you expect me to help you do that sort of thing when I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it on my own?”
I asked her if she had any idea what it takes for me to simply make it through the day. She didn’t reply. I told her that it takes everything I have to not react to every tiny little trigger. She still did not seem to know what to say.
Then she said, with a resentful tone, “So all of your friends know?” And I told her that only one other person (besides my therapist) knows. Then I left. Because I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with someone who was making my problem all about her. Even after all of these months of me trying to nudge her in the right direction and give her tips and hints of what she can do to be helpful, she chose to make everything about herself. So I just left.
The next day, she told me that she sent an email to her therapist and told her everything that we had talked about.
I will have a whole separate post about everything that followed.