I’m definitely having to get used to this new therapist. And I’m not totally sold on her, either. Not only because she’s just not my old T but because she’s more CBT based as well, which I’ve had a natural bias against for a long time. I’m trying to keep an open mind and see if this can help me, but in a big way, it feels too detached and clinical. And dismissive of the deeper stuff going on.
We talked yesterday about my tendency to say to myself that I feel/am worthless. The first thing that bothered me, from the very first session, is she asked what my “favorite” self-deprecating thing is to say to myself. Favorite seems like a poorly chosen word. It suggests that I enjoy thinking and feeling that way. Really?
So, yesterday, she went into the whole CBT technique of reality-testing and asking if I am truly worth-less.
I told her that it’s tough for me, because a lot of me does believe that my reality is that I’m worthless. I don’t know how to counter that with an alternate reality when I can’t even accept that it exists. She didn’t say much to this.
She asked about some other messages that I tell myself and asked where I got them from. I was a little ambivalent about sharing, but I explained a bit about my father’s personality and how he could turn on you in a millisecond. I also told her that he used to tell me that he knows me better than I know myself. I then said that I don’t believe that anymore.
She latched onto that and pointed out that my thinking can change. I just smiled a bit and quietly said yeah..
She uses the word ‘silly’ a lot when hypothetically describing demeaning thoughts we (aka me) might say to ourselves.
I’m so scared of doing something wrong in there. And even risking to share that I am afraid of doing something wrong feels wrong. I’m still going to stick it out for a while.