On the fence..

I’m definitely having to get used to this new therapist.  And I’m not totally sold on her, either.  Not only because she’s just not my old T but because she’s more CBT based as well, which I’ve had a natural bias against for a long time. I’m trying to keep an open mind and see if this can help me, but in a big way, it feels too detached and clinical.  And dismissive of the deeper stuff going on.

For instance.

We talked yesterday about my tendency to say to myself that I feel/am worthless.  The first thing that bothered me, from the very first session, is she asked what my “favorite” self-deprecating thing is to say to myself.  Favorite seems like a poorly chosen word.  It suggests that I enjoy thinking and feeling that way.  Really?

So, yesterday, she went into the whole CBT technique of reality-testing and asking if I am truly worth-less.

I told her that it’s tough for me, because a lot of me does believe that my reality is that I’m worthless.  I don’t know how to counter that with an alternate reality when  I can’t even accept that it exists.  She didn’t say much to this.

She asked about some other messages that I tell myself and asked where I got them from.  I was a little ambivalent about sharing, but I explained a bit about my father’s personality and how he could turn on you in a millisecond.  I also told her that he used to tell me that he knows me better than I know myself.  I then said that I don’t believe that anymore.

She latched onto that and pointed out that my thinking can change.  I just smiled a bit and quietly said yeah..

She uses the word ‘silly’ a lot when hypothetically describing demeaning thoughts we (aka me) might say to ourselves.

I’m so scared of doing something wrong in there.  And even risking to share that I am afraid of doing something wrong feels wrong.  I’m still going to stick it out for a while.

 

I think.

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2 thoughts on “On the fence..

  1. It takes time to form a good relationship with a new therapist. For a while, you find yourself fumbling around–much like the beginning of any other relationship, really. I recall needing to tell mine a) to slow down and stay with one thought or one experience longer and b) stop trying to solve problems. You may need to be honest about some of the habits she has that you are uncomfortable with. Like, yes, you don’t actually enjoy hurting yourself with negative thoughts. They are not your “favorites.”

  2. I just discovered your blog & wanted to say you have a very comfortable quiet thoughtful writing style despite whatever uncomfortable material you may be writing about & that drew me in to keep reading.. like ashana i needed my t to slow down & stay with one thought or experience longer but i was never brave enough to ask for that, & so i spent much of my therapy time dissociated as everything just sort of flew past me. i also dislike the poor choice of the word ‘favorites’ in your post. my t once expressed that she hoped i stopped getting whatever ‘thrill’ i did from s.i. & that comment so alienated me from her ever understanding dissociation really & what i was feeling. but again i never told her so. good luck to you in your journey.

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