Although I will probably post again after another session with new T this afternoon, I wanted to get down some pre-session thoughts.
I’m feeling especially wary of her right now, and some part of me feels acutely afraid of her, although I am not sure why. I will try to bring this up to her today. Maybe that can quell some of this fear (terror, even?).
Each week, while I’m waiting to go back to the room, I am supposed to fill out this form that has a scale between 1-10 regarding how I feel compared to last week, any emotions I’m feeling, anything significant that happened, etc. I’ve only done it once and I already hate that form. But yesterday when I was driving, I suddenly saw the potential value in it for me. Because part of the reason I hate the form is due to the fact that answering those questions is nearly impossible to me due to the lack of awareness I have. It’s hard for me to pinpoint where I am compared to last week, because I don’t really know where I am.
But when it comes down to it, I just don’t like that the first thing I have to do when I go in there is fill out a form every week. I’m terrified I’ll do it “wrong.” And some of the questions ask things that I don’t feel comfortable sharing yet. So I don’t. But I still don’t like that it asks questions I’m not comfortable answering.
I’m afraid to be completely honest with her. What kind of attitude does she have regarding suicidal thoughts? I lied to her in the first session when she asked if I had a plan. I always have a plan, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to carry it out. I know nothing about her and how she’d react to that kind of information. And she doesn’t know me either, so she has no way of knowing that me having a plan doesn’t mean I’m a heartbeat away from doing something.
I did most of my “homework” for this week, although I forgot about one bit until today, which I’ll complete before the session. Although I hate the term homework, what she had me do this week has very obvious benefits, and I’m not averse to it.
Right now, I feel that everything I am – my whole being, thoughts, feelings, sensations – are all wrong. I feel like a thing that has to be fixed. I can readily admit to myself that I am broken. I’m just scared knowing that someone else sees that, too.
Something has felt unbearable about this past week, though. I can’t tolerate work, I can’t tolerate my thoughts. I just can’t take it. I don’t know what this feeling is or where it’s coming from, but I just want some relief.