Pre-session thoughts

Although I will probably post again after another session with new T this afternoon, I wanted to get down some pre-session thoughts.

I’m feeling especially wary of her right now, and some part of me feels acutely afraid of her, although I am not sure why.  I will try to bring this up to her today.  Maybe that can quell some of this fear (terror, even?).

Each week, while I’m waiting to go back to the room, I am supposed to fill out this form that has a scale between 1-10 regarding how I feel compared to last week, any emotions I’m feeling, anything significant that happened, etc.  I’ve only done it once and I already hate that form.  But yesterday when I was driving, I suddenly saw the potential value in it for me.  Because part of the reason I hate the form is due to the fact that answering those questions is nearly impossible to me due to the lack of awareness I have.  It’s hard for me to pinpoint where I am compared to last week, because I don’t really know where I am.

But when it comes down to it, I just don’t like that the first thing I have to do when I go in there is fill out a form every week.  I’m terrified I’ll do it “wrong.”  And some of the questions ask things that I don’t feel comfortable sharing yet.  So I don’t.  But I still don’t like that it asks questions I’m not comfortable answering.

I’m afraid to be completely honest with her.  What kind of attitude does she have regarding suicidal thoughts?  I lied to her in the first session when she asked if I had a plan.  I always have a plan, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to carry it out.  I know nothing about her and how she’d react to that kind of information.  And she doesn’t know me either, so she has no way of knowing that me having a plan doesn’t mean I’m a heartbeat away from doing something.

I did most of my “homework” for this week, although I forgot about one bit until today, which I’ll complete before the session.  Although I hate the term homework, what she had me do this week has very obvious benefits, and I’m not averse to it.

Right now, I feel that everything I am – my whole being, thoughts, feelings, sensations – are all wrong.  I feel like a thing that has to be fixed.  I can readily admit to myself that I am broken.  I’m just scared knowing that someone else sees that, too.

Something has felt unbearable about this past week, though.  I can’t tolerate work, I can’t tolerate my thoughts.  I just can’t take it.  I don’t know what this feeling is or where it’s coming from, but I just want some relief.

Advertisements

One thought on “Pre-session thoughts

  1. Maybe you can hold onto the thought that not everyone sees someone broken as someone who deserves to be destroyed, but instead as someone who can be lovingly, carefully, thoughtfully helped to be put back together again.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s