Last group session today… We’re having a pot luck. I’ll be sad to leave. They’re a great group of women.
I’ve considered talking to the main T there to see if she would be willing to meet with me individually, but I’m too terrified to do that, and I feel like I would be betraying my T. But I am not handling all of this very well. It has been a dark few days.
Regardless of that, I still know that I do not want to go back to my T, except if I possibly decide to have a session or two for closure. I can’t handle the weight of her impending retirement. I can’t allow myself to grow closer to her with the glaringly obvious truth that it can’t last for much longer.
I’m ambivalent about talking to the group T, because although I really like her, she’s knowledgeable about sexual abuse and its effects, and she already knows me a bit, her specific orientation of therapy (CBT) makes me think that maybe she either wouldn’t want to work with me or that it just wouldn’t be a good fit. I worry she thinks negatively of me for having worked with my T for 3 years.
The past few weeks in group have been both helpful and incredibly painful. I’ve seen in so many ways how I have been “trained” (a word used by several in the group as well) to think and act certain ways, and after so many years of being like that, plus 3+ years of trying to change that, the fact that I still feel nowhere near being able to break from those thought patterns is so immeasurably disheartening. I nearly had a panic attack when we talked about our basic rights, like the right to say no, the right to feel feelings, etc. We were handed a paper last session that had a list of healthy boundaries, and I don’t have any of those, either.
Last time, since it was our next to last session, we went around and shared three things we all liked about each other. So when it was my turn, everyone told me their three things that they like about me. I was fine at the time – a little nervous – but not that bad. But I broke down on the way home. I just can’t seem to handle all of the things they’ve said. The main T said that they have nothing to gain by blowing smoke and saying things that aren’t true, and that I can trust that they don’t have an ulterior motive. I did appreciate her saying that, because it was probably just what I needed at the time, but the whole experience was completely overwhelming.
So, once this group is done today, I will no longer be in any therapy of any kind for the first time in about 4 years. The cold truth that I’m coming to realize, though, is that I don’t see myself continuing life in this way – if I choose to give up on healing. My mother is the only reason I’m still here, because I know it would devastate her if I ever did something. If/when I ever lose her, if I haven’t made some major changes, I know I won’t keep going. So, it’s either stopping now and waiting on a ticking time bomb, or choosing to continue with therapy with someone else. The energy for either seems to be escaping me right now.