I quit therapy today

Yes, I did. I might just be taking a break, but I’m not sure. I’m wracked with guilt for doing this to my T. But I feel completely defeated. There was maybe about 10 or 15 minutes left in the session when I told her. It was somewhat out of the blue, although I have mentioned it a couple of times before in recent months. But she still said it was sudden.

I have an intensely pervasive sense of loneliness right now. And I’m being reminded of how empty my life is.

I think I’m an awful person, but I also think I’m beyond help. I don’t want to burden T any longer. Besides, nothing has been the same since she said she was retiring, and I can’t hang on anymore with that knowledge. I don’t know how, and apparently, I wasn’t willing to stick it out long enough to figure it out. And then group last week reminded me of how messed up I am, even after all of this time. We were talking about rights – like the right to feel, the right to set boundaries – and it nearly sent me into a full-on panic, because some part of me couldn’t even entertain the idea of having those sorts of rights. And it left me with this feeling like, you know..I’m never going to have those rights. It’s been a long time now, with me trying to change those ingrained thoughts and feelings, and I don’t think I can take it anymore. It’s easier to just accept that I am fundamentally flawed.

We hugged, and she said she’d miss me. I originally said that I wanted to have one more session, but then I changed my mind. I think because I thought I’d chicken out if I didn’t make today the last session. I feel like I’m trying to prove to myself that I can make it on my own.

But I give up. T said it was okay to give up, but I feel like a failure for it.

The first thing T asked me when I said I needed to take a break from therapy was if I am going to kill myself. I get why she’d ask that, especially because it’s the contract that we’ve had that’s kept me from doing it a couple of times before.

I feel…supremely awful about myself for this decision I’ve made. And I’m not quite sure how to come to grips with it.

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6 thoughts on “I quit therapy today

  1. ((((Kashley)))) If this is want you needed to do, then its what you needed to do. You did better than I did the first time I ended therapy, I just pulled a disappearing act.

    That said, you are NOT fundamentally flawed. Trying to heal from what happened to you is a slow, painful, difficult process and made even more complicated by the fact that you have to do what terrifies you the most, move closer, in order to heal. Not to mention that the abuse taught you the lie that you do not deserve to heal.

    I think you’re right that this has to do with knowing your T will retire. I know for me when I make this kind of move, I am leaving before I can be left because I don’t want to allow myself to feel that hurt again.

    Just give yourself compassionate permission to do what feels right. Take a break, go back, find another T. You have the strength and courage to heal, I have seen that in spades. Just give yourself time to build the strength to go on.

    xx AG

    1. Thanks, AG…I have so many thoughts and feelings floating around from all of this, but I can’t sort through them right now. Thanks for your support, as always. xx

  2. I’m pretty sure you’re a good person. Hang in there. I keep quitting therapy, but then end up going back. The quitting does seem to be about me, something I do to feel better.

    In your case though, this retirement issue is a major problem. You will have to leave fairly soon anyway it sounds like, so it may be best for you to cut the cord now. You really have done nothing at all wrong or anything to be ashamed of. I really don’t see how you are giving up. When the time is right, you will find another T and carry on.

    I also thought your last post, all of which you said you shared in group, was huge. It would really shake me to the core to talk about all that at once.

    xox

    1. Thanks, Ellen. I’m not quite sure how I managed to talk about all of that at once – I think I detached a fair amount to do it. And thanks for saying I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s hard for me to see that at the moment, but it still helps. xx

  3. you are not fundamentally flawed, kash. imperfect? damaged? yes. strong? yes, yes. i know that because i have followed your posts about group – and you’ve been strong.

    yes, i believe you will find another T – now might be a good time to look, to help with the transition. or maybe you’ll go back to T and do a real termination.

    ((((kash)))) you can do this.

    Red Tomato

    1. ((RT)) Thank you for being so supportive. I’m just going to try to take it moment by moment…It’s about all I can do right now. xx

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