Yes, I did. I might just be taking a break, but I’m not sure. I’m wracked with guilt for doing this to my T. But I feel completely defeated. There was maybe about 10 or 15 minutes left in the session when I told her. It was somewhat out of the blue, although I have mentioned it a couple of times before in recent months. But she still said it was sudden.
I have an intensely pervasive sense of loneliness right now. And I’m being reminded of how empty my life is.
I think I’m an awful person, but I also think I’m beyond help. I don’t want to burden T any longer. Besides, nothing has been the same since she said she was retiring, and I can’t hang on anymore with that knowledge. I don’t know how, and apparently, I wasn’t willing to stick it out long enough to figure it out. And then group last week reminded me of how messed up I am, even after all of this time. We were talking about rights – like the right to feel, the right to set boundaries – and it nearly sent me into a full-on panic, because some part of me couldn’t even entertain the idea of having those sorts of rights. And it left me with this feeling like, you know..I’m never going to have those rights. It’s been a long time now, with me trying to change those ingrained thoughts and feelings, and I don’t think I can take it anymore. It’s easier to just accept that I am fundamentally flawed.
We hugged, and she said she’d miss me. I originally said that I wanted to have one more session, but then I changed my mind. I think because I thought I’d chicken out if I didn’t make today the last session. I feel like I’m trying to prove to myself that I can make it on my own.
But I give up. T said it was okay to give up, but I feel like a failure for it.
The first thing T asked me when I said I needed to take a break from therapy was if I am going to kill myself. I get why she’d ask that, especially because it’s the contract that we’ve had that’s kept me from doing it a couple of times before.
I feel…supremely awful about myself for this decision I’ve made. And I’m not quite sure how to come to grips with it.