Reflection

I’ve been thinking a lot about the  group therapy session since last week.  There was a lot of positive feedback from everyone, and it’s hard for me to take in.

But it was only the second time I’ve ever shared my entire story with anyone – the first being with my therapist.  I’ve never told my story in that kind of “condensed” version where I can see all of it laid out in front of me, from start to finish, and can follow my own transformation along the way.  So when everyone said I was strong, there was this small part of me that could actually see where they might be getting that. That thought did not occur without recourse from the rest of me – because it’s a clear violation of my rules to think positive things about myself – but I’m not immediately shoving the thought away.  Because it helps me handle things in the present better as well, if I think of myself as strong and capable and able to make it through.

I was the only one in the group that hadn’t told my story to really anyone before, so several of them also seemed surprised at how I told my story.  They said they could imagine everything as I explained it and that it seemed like something they’d read in a book.  This scared me at first, and still does a bit, because it worries me that I told it too well, like I have this elaborate – but fake – narrative in my head about all of these things that I think happened.

But I was truly touched at how supportive everyone was to me.  I’d apparently been a bit of a question mark in the group because I’m the quietest, but a couple of them said they’d been looking forward to hearing my story because I hadn’t shared a whole lot prior to that.  I’d thought that my therapist was an exception – that, other than her, no one could accept me entirely knowing everything.  I thought that I’d somehow just tricked her into liking me despite everything I’ve told her and saying complimentary things to me.  So to hear it from several people, all of whom now know a good majority of my story, is a new experience for me, and I’m not quite sure what to make of it yet.

I’m reflecting on this, because I know that, in group tomorrow, they will ask me if I had any thoughts/feelings after sharing last week.  And I have thought a lot about it, but I’ve been more consumed with work and then my knee injury, which has turned into a never-ending saga.  Most recently, my PT thought that I might have a partial ACL tear due to this one test she did where she pulled on my lower leg, and it pulled out further from my knee compared to my other leg.  Upon visiting my orthopedist (who is actually a Physician’s Assistant), he says that he thinks it’s just a “natural difference” between my knees.  I don’t know anything about knees, but that sounds like a bunch of s***t to me, and I’m so tired of hurting.  It’s been over 3 months now, and I still can’t walk without limping.  I’m meeting with an orthopedic surgeon next week, and I swear if he also says he thinks it’s a natural difference and doesn’t pay attention to the slew of other symptoms I tell him about, I’m going to go bonkers.

But it’s back to work for me for now.  I better get used to the 6 and 7 day work weeks – they’re going to be around until about September.

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2 thoughts on “Reflection

  1. I think this is a wonderful narrative about how you’ve grown. It is so validating to find that the group is accepting. I hope you can embrace the goodness of this.

    1. Thanks, RT ((hugs))… Due to scheduling stuff, we’re having both of our last two group sessions this week. I’m going to be sad to leave it. 10 sessions has gone by incredibly fast.

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