Wondering about weakness

So I now officially have one week before I have to share my story in group therapy, and I’m terrified.

I’m the quiet one in the group – something that’s obvious to everyone there – and I’m always the last to share. I feel like it makes me the weak one, and I really hate that. But I’m naturally more quiet than most other people..I don’t know if that’s something I should try to change or just accept.

Does being quiet make me weak? In group today, one of the members said something that made me think that just because I tend to be last to speak up about things and that I am not quick to voice my opinion that I’m weak. It wasn’t directed at me at all, but I heard her comment and applied it to myself wondering if it was true. Her comment implied that people like me let life happen to them rather than capturing it.

And so, when I think about my story and what I want to share, I think of what happened. I was a child, yes, but this has me wondering all over again whether I could have prevented it. Or kept it from going on for over 5 years. Maybe it’s just my demeanor and overall attitude that allowed this to happen to me.

I also feel weak compared to another person in the group. She talks of how much strength her struggle has given her and how that’s what she’s taken from it. So what does it mean when I feel like I’ve only taken worthlessness and brokenness from my experience?

Regardless, I am going to try to be as open as possible next week. Every week during this story telling phase, the leaders open up by asking what that person (whose turn it is to share their story) needs from the rest of the group. I think all I need is to be believed, because I still often doubt my own reality.

At this point, though, I just need to get through tomorrow. I have a presentation for work for several hundred students and parents, and it’s going to be in front of my boss. Really, I’m only this nervous because my boss will be there. I’m the “baby” of the office, seeing as I’m 20 years younger than the youngest person in my same position, and so I’m constantly convinced that no one thinks I can do my job as well as everyone else, and I always feel like I have everything to prove and that I can’t make any mistakes. So, it stresses me out to say the least.

But I’m going to try to take it one stressor at a time. Presentation tomorrow…then I’ll worry about everything else.

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