Things have been very busy and very stressful lately. My living situation, which I had thought was going to be permanent for several years, may be in danger. I’ve had to start working nights and weekends to keep up with work, not only because my workload is increasing but also because I’m having trouble concentrating long enough to be productive. I have so many appointments for my knee, and my boss is continuing to give me veiled grief about the time I’ve had to take off from work. Group therapy is very triggering. We are in the middle of telling our stories, and I’ve had memories come up and it’s especially hard because my story is so very similar to 2 out of the 3 other women there. So I’ve had nightmares and I’m feeling depressed and overwhelmed, which is leading to another spike in my suicidal thoughts. And not to mention I have to take off more time from work for group as well.
When I shared my group woes with my T, she seemed surprised that we were already sharing our stories. I told her that it’s a 10 week group, so there’s not a whole lot of time. Even though she suggested the group to me, she didn’t seem to know that it was time limited like that. She didn’t approve of how quickly we’ve gone to sharing our stories, but there really isn’t much time to build up to it. I explained to her that I was afraid to bring up anything about how I was triggered hearing the other stories, because I didn’t want them to feel bad for sharing. That’s the last thing I want. T was trying to help me find a way to mention it to the group but in a way that won’t make anyone feel bad for sharing, although I’m still not sure how to bring it up. She said that if I find it triggering, others might find it triggering, too, which I had thought of..but I still don’t know.
She apologized to me for suggesting the group, since it is very hard for me right now. She said she had hoped it would be helpful, but I told her that it is, but it’s just coming with a consequence. But I am committed to staying in it, although I’m pretty sure that I’m not committed for me – I’m committed for the three other women in there, because I don’t want to cause a disruption by leaving. And it is true that it’s helpful. I am able to talk with people who intimately understand the ins and outs of everything that we’ve all gone through. But it’s hard for me to figure out if the cons outweigh the pros.
At my last session with my T, she told me that she’d gotten a consultation with a therapist that is actually two states away, because of where I have been recently. On the one hand it was comforting to know that she does reach out if/when she needs help, but it also makes me feel crazier since I’ve obviously thrown something at my T that she’s not quite sure how to handle or if she’s handling it right. She seemed to focus more on my different parts more, asking about names and such. She said that she’d seen many different parts of me the session before, which is probably true, because I really don’t remember that session except for about 5 minutes. She said that many people have parts that conflict, like their head and their heart, but that I am a bit more “complicated” than that (which she said with a small smile) but that all of my parts are beautiful.
I know she means well, I really do. And part of me is comforted by all of that, but another part of me feels so, so messed up. After telling her everything about the group, I told her that I feel like I’m being sensitive about it. She said I’m being sensitive for a reason. But could I not just be overly sensitive?
I also discussed the memories I’ve had coming up recently, which revolve around all of those signs that something was wrong but that no one ever noticed. And on the one hand, I do understand why someone wouldn’t say anything, because you just don’t know. But I also just wish someone had said something. Just one person. One person over the course of 5 years. You would think there would have been someone, but there wasn’t. And I have to come to terms with the fact that there never was anyone…because somehow I still keep hoping that someone will save the little girl.