Darkness

I think I’m giving up. I keep wondering, how long can I be on the edge without falling over? I don’t think I can hang on much longer. I don’t know how.

This is, perhaps, one of the darkest, deepest, and most depressing places I’ve been in my entire life. Besides the years and years my father abused me, this is it.

I’m losing the strength to care how my death will affect others. How selfish of me. And yet I still can’t find the strength to crawl out of this deep, dark pit I’m in.

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6 thoughts on “Darkness

  1. (((Kashey))) I am sorry that you are in such a hopeless and dark place right now. I will be praying for you and please let me know if I can do anything else. If you want to talk, you can reach me at the address on my blog site. If it really becomes too much, please call 315-251-0600. That’s the Contact Hotline I volunteer for and their good people. Please don’t be alone with this, you’ve done that long enough.I’m sorry it sounds like the pain is becoming unbearable. If it helps try to remember you really did survive this happening and these feelings, while they are overwhelming and very intense, are feelings. (((())))) love, AG

  2. (((Kashley)))
    I’m sorry that you are feeling so much pain and exhaustion. I am often surprised how a physical illness or injury has such a overwhelming negative effect on my mood. I think it is because the physical pain forces me to be more present in my body and that is so difficult for me. I like to believe that I don’t have a body or at least not one that limits me.
    That dark, hopeless pit of depression is so dark that I don’t think you can see the way out (at least I can’t). I wish I could help you in some way. I am here listening and thinking of you.

    1. I’m OK. I’m sorry to worry you. I’ve had a rough couple of nights. I called T yesterday evening and spoke with her for about 20 minutes, and then she called about 3 hours later to check in again and we spoke for another 15 minutes. She was talking about having me go to the hospital, but I convinced her that it’s not to that point yet.

      My mother had surgery on Wednesday and is in much more pain than she expected and isn’t able to take care of herself like she thought. I was going to drive down last night (2 1/2 hours one way), drive back up this am for PT and group therapy, and then go down again. T convinced me to at least wait until today to go, because it’s too much stress, having to drive so much, and especially considering the main reason I called was because I didn’t feel 100% safe about me driving.

      She asked that I call again this morning to check in, which I did. And she wants me to call a few times over the weekend as well.

      I’m dissociated a bit right now, though, because I just had group therapy. And then I have physical therapy in an hour, which really is one of the main reasons I’m in this dark place. So I was fine this morning when I called T, but by the time the evening comes, I may not be OK.

      Sorry, I know that’s a lot. Like I said, I’m a bit spacey right now, so you’ll have to bear with me. Thanks for checking in on me..it’s very sweet of you. I’m sorry I didn’t respond until now.

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