Lingering issues

So I’ve had to deal with a lot of doctors and specialists in the past few weeks because of my injury to my knee, which in all honesty, isn’t that bad.  I guess just bad enough to warrant physical therapy 3x a week.  The first time I visited a doctor for my knee problem was the day I was injured.  I’d like to say I was training for ice skating at the Winter Olympics, but I simply slipped on ice walking into work.  Because I was at work, I’ve had Worker’s Comp covering everything, thank goodness.

Anyway, I was terrified that the doctor I went to (who was chosen for me by my employer) wouldn’t believe me and would dismiss my pain, which she essentially ended up doing.  She said to come back in a week if the pain was the same or worse.  I went back the next week because the pain was worse.  She was nicer to me then and seemed to maybe believe me a bit more that I was still hurting.  I had to wait nearly another week to see an orthopedist.  He was a bit aloof but nice enough.  No one told me much of anything. I’ve been told many times that that’s the case with Worker’s Comp, but how come the people who have told me that’s the case haven’t bothered to explain anything to me?

A few days after visiting the ortho, I went to my first physical therapy appointment and was tremendously relieved to see that it was a woman, although the obvious relief was a bit surprising to me.  She was super – very nice and understanding and great at her job.  My second visit to PT was this morning, and since I’d already had my assessment, I was set up with a male PT assistant.  He’s middle-aged and very nice, but I was uncomfortable around him.  I was nervous having to do some of the exercises around him and the gentleness that he handled my knee with wasn’t comforting – it was unsettling.  I acted like normal, though, if not just a tad bit quieter than normal. I just wanted to get through the exercises and be done.

I’m nervous about my third appointment tomorrow afternoon.  And I’m surprised at my reaction.  I’ve dealt with male doctors before and typically haven’t had much of an issue and haven’t sensed any obvious uncomfortableness, but I definitely sensed it today.  I don’t know what exactly was different.  I’m terrified for my first pelvic exam tomorrow morning and am now deeply regretting that I didn’t at least mention this to my T last week so we could talk about some things I could do before, during, and after the exam.

This week I’m feeling like I’ve lost control of my body with all of these people touching me and doing things to me, even if they really are trying to help.  I don’t know how I feel about all of this, either.  Sometimes all I feel is just tremendous fear, but most of the time I’m not feeling anything at all.  I’ve been dissociating a fair amount this week, too.  If I can just get through tomorrow, I can see my T on Friday.  But I still have about 2-3 weeks of physical therapy left that I need to get through.  Hopefully it will get easier as I go along, not to mention less painful.


3 thoughts on “Lingering issues

  1. Kash I’m actually a PT myself. It is a very intimate profession because of the high degree of touch involved and people having body parts exposed. There is a tremendous amount of responsibility, care and respect that’s required to do the job. well, along with a cinstant awareness of how others feel being so physically close to another. Email me if you need help with your rehab. I hate pelvic exams but I would hate even more to have a problem missed that meant I might die prematurely and not be there for my son (and hopefully his sibling down the track). Ask them to go slow and keep a female in the room if that helps you feel more safe xxx

    1. Thank you, GreenEyes..I bet you are a wonderful PT. I really love the main PT there..she is awesome. And I felt bad for being uncomfortable around the guy because he’s super nice and very sensitive to whether I’m in pain. It’s just the past making itself known in the present. And I had my exam this morning..I’m embarrassed to say I cried and was shaking during the whole thing and was still crying half an hour afterward, but my doctor (who is female, as was her assistant) was very kind when I told her about my past and told me everything she was doing and went slowly. So I guess it went as well as it could have. I’m just glad I took an extra hour off of work to calm down.

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