I’ve had several vivid nightmares this week, and they feel like they’re slowly beating me down.
The other night I dreamt I was being pursued by a killer. He was taunting and would explain how he was going to kill me. At one point in the dream he shot at a friend of mine to get me to sacrifice myself. At another point, he threw me down a mountain and pushed a car down behind me to make sure that it fell and crushed me. As he threw me off the cliff, I remember him explaining that he wanted the car to crush me.
Last night was worse. I was shopping (I don’t normally do that..) and a couple came up to me and asked for my help with something, although I can’t remember what it was now. I left with them and we were in their house, and for some reason we needed to call a cop to help us. I remember thinking that the cop seemed to not care about what I was saying. Then it was just the other male, the cop, and me in a room. The cop started to get closer to me and then wrapped his arms around me and picked me up, at which point I knew what was going to happen. The other guy just ignored my crying and my pleas for him to stop and left, closing the door behind him.
Sometimes, in nightmares like this, I will wake up at this point, but I didn’t wake up. I was “there” for everything, every moment of it. Once he was done, he just let me leave. When I walked out of the room, I was crying and the girlfriend saw this and her eyes widened, but she didn’t do or say anything. I left and continued to cry. No one said or did anything. That’s when I woke up.
I haven’t had flashbacks since waking up, but what I have felt is the overwhelming and profound sense of helplessness, shame, and disgust, and I’m distinctly aware of how I felt these things when I was a child, too, whenever “he” would hurt me. I feel defeated. I just want to give up and stop fighting and just let all of those feelings have free rein, because the more I fight them, the more I feel like they must be true.