A secret revealed

A friend told me to continue with my therapist, despite the fact that I now know she’ll be retiring within the next year, and to allow myself to attach to her even more. I’m scared to do that, but I think it’s happening.

There is a particular thought/desire that I’ve had for many years that I’m so ashamed of that I never thought I would tell anyone, even her. I nearly told her last week, but couldn’t manage it. Well, she knows now. She didn’t seem to understand the depth of my shame over this at first. But then at one point she asked me if I needed to look and see if she was still here. I couldn’t look at her yet. I asked her how she could be OK with me when I could hardly sit there with myself, and she said that she understands why I would think the way I do, and that she only has ill feelings for my father, and not for me. I asked her if she was still OK with me, and she said she absolutely was. She even said that she hates my father but could never hate me. And she was just so..normal and almost nonchalant in the way she talked to me after I told her. She asked me if I knew that what I told her is a normal effect of people with my history, which I did know..I just thought I’d be exempt from that statistic. Apparently not. It was just so..understandable to her. And I guess a small part of me expected that, but a larger part of me is just shocked that she’s still OK with me.

I love her. I do. And it’s the first time I’ve ever really felt that it’s true. It hurts so much more to know that she loves me as well. So why does it have to end?

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8 thoughts on “A secret revealed

  1. I suspect that revealing incredibly shameful and humiliating thoughts, experiences and feelings and having them received with care, acceptance and understanding and to say safe is such a foreign experience yet secretly longed for. Therefore, How can you not attach to her even more? I know the imminent end of therapy looms n your mind but perhaps the time limited nature is compelling a part of you to grieve your losses and heal as much as possible in the next few months. Hugs to you

    1. Thanks for commenting, GreenEyes. Yes, it’s exactly what you said: foreign but secretly longed for. What’s odd to me is that I didn’t have any idea just how foreign it would feel until afterward. It’s an unfamiliar sense of comfort to know that my T knows all of these horrible things about me and still accepts me – and even loves me – unconditionally. I only wish I’d been brave enough to venture into all of this earlier, but I suppose that it’s only the imminent ending that gave me that last little shove.

      Hugs to you! xx

      1. Hey Kashley that foreign feeling is the way it’s meant to be with our parents growing up if the attachment is secure. It’s hard because only once you feel it do you realise what you’ve been missing all these years. And talking about shame and abuse openly is so hard you might not have been able to, and hold onto your sanity, until now

      2. Thank you, GreenEyes…I hadn’t thought of it that way, that maybe I truly wasn’t ready or capable of talking about this sooner. ((hugs))

  2. This is a lovely post – in that you got what you needed, at a time in which you needed it. You spoke openly about whatever happened, releasing a bit of the shame. As you continue talking, you’ll realize that what you’ve experienced, “shame-worthy” included, that you are not alone, and that others have come before you with the same story.

    This post reminds me of one I’ve written a while ago, and am glad to read that there are even more people overcoming their shame and embarrassment, and talking about things.

    I’m glad you’ll be continuing with your therapist, even if she’s retiring soon. And I agree, attach as much as you can, it will be good for you. I’m not saying that it will be easy at the end, but you will have the tools you need to overcome that.

    I’m glad I found your blog.

    1. Hi Amanda, thanks for commenting! Shame is so hard to overcome. I’ve never confronted the enormity of my shame until recently, and I’ve only just scratched the surface. But, like you, I find it wonderful to see so many people doing the same thing. It’s a harrowing journey.

      xx

  3. Kashley,
    It is awesome that you are continuing to work and grow in the face of the loss. And I agree almost nothing feels stranger than finally getting that kind of care. I am glad to know that you are experiencing. And allowing the attachment and letting your T in, is not increasing the inevitable pain of parting, it is providing resources for you to deal with that pain. (I know, I know, I sound like a broken record…. damn, you’re too young to understand that! :))

    I also wanted you to know I nominated you for a Blog of the Year 2012 award, you can see the details here: Blog of the Year 2012 award xx AG

  4. Wow, AG..how very kind and wonderful of you. 🙂 I’m obviously horrible at handling awards, but I so appreciate it nonetheless. And lucky for you I do understand the phrase. You’re younger than you think. 😉

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