A friend told me to continue with my therapist, despite the fact that I now know she’ll be retiring within the next year, and to allow myself to attach to her even more. I’m scared to do that, but I think it’s happening.
There is a particular thought/desire that I’ve had for many years that I’m so ashamed of that I never thought I would tell anyone, even her. I nearly told her last week, but couldn’t manage it. Well, she knows now. She didn’t seem to understand the depth of my shame over this at first. But then at one point she asked me if I needed to look and see if she was still here. I couldn’t look at her yet. I asked her how she could be OK with me when I could hardly sit there with myself, and she said that she understands why I would think the way I do, and that she only has ill feelings for my father, and not for me. I asked her if she was still OK with me, and she said she absolutely was. She even said that she hates my father but could never hate me. And she was just so..normal and almost nonchalant in the way she talked to me after I told her. She asked me if I knew that what I told her is a normal effect of people with my history, which I did know..I just thought I’d be exempt from that statistic. Apparently not. It was just so..understandable to her. And I guess a small part of me expected that, but a larger part of me is just shocked that she’s still OK with me.
I love her. I do. And it’s the first time I’ve ever really felt that it’s true. It hurts so much more to know that she loves me as well. So why does it have to end?