Well, I’m finally getting around to going back through the three awards this blog has received and will go through the processes for each of them. I’m an awful person for not doing this a LOT sooner – I’m so sorry! Considering this may be a marathon post, including a bit of an update on stuff going on, I may break it up over the next few days.
First of all, I’m reeling with my T’s confession last session – after the first meeting in a month due to the holidays – that she’s tired and getting older and that she’ll be retiring in the next year. I reached out to all of the wonderful people on Psych Cafe about it who helped me try to make sense of all of this. I had been, and still am, wrestling with whether or not I have it in me to stick it out for the rest of the time she’ll be working, just because I’m so afraid of the pain, and it’s hard to see the point. My first instinct was to run in the opposite direction. In some ways, I did that in the middle of the session, because when she first started talking about retirement, I completely numbed out, put up that wall, and kept things on the surface. T probably thought I was mad. Honestly, she looked defeated to me. I don’t know why…I don’t know what’s happened, but she looked tired and defeated, and so I felt like it was my duty to not add anything to that. And I feel like that should be my duty going forward: that I should stop now and make sure I’m not preventing her from retiring whenever she wants to.
Truthfully, I may actually be mad at her, which would be a first. I’ve always had such endless patience and tolerance for her, just because I’ve been so appreciative that she’s still here and listening to me. The reason I am mad (maybe) is partially because of the timing. A couple of sessions before we had our month-long break starting in December, I shared details of the abuse with her – horrible details that kick up endless amounts of shame – and I was terrified that she’d be so disgusted with me that she couldn’t even look at me. In those last two sessions, I kept asking her if she was disgusted, and she said no. Fast forward a month to our first session back…We had been talking for only a few minutes before she brought up her retirement. She told me that she’d seen her month away as a “break” in her contract with me, especially because of what I’d shared with her before the break, and because I’d been worried about her hating me or being disgusted with me and then she just left for a month. The thing is…I could tolerate that, and I did. But now with talk about termination, I am left wondering if that month allowed her to realize that she actually is disgusted and can’t stand to work with me anymore.
This may be unrealistic, but that little voice inside me, that gut reaction, is telling me that maybe there’s at least a kernel of truth in that. And what if there is? She’d told me two or three months ago that she had no plans for retirement and that she didn’t want to kick me out, and as someone else pointed out to me, that may have been true at the time. But I’ve just started to come to trust what she says and take things, with her, at face value. And this shattered that. Trusting her when she said that she didn’t want me out was the first time I’ve really chosen not to over-analyze what she says and just accept it, and that’s just not going to happen again. It’s not her fault, though. I’m just messed up like this, and I’m starting to think that I always will be.
All of that being said, I’m going to try to face her on Thursday, despite the shame I’m feeling about everything, including the grief I’m already feeling over this inevitable loss. I have no idea how it’s going to go, and I have no idea what I’m going to say. What I do know is that I will be crying…So I’ll need to make sure I have my waterproof mascara on hand that day.
On that note, let’s get on to something happier. I have three awards to acknowledge, but I’m going to start with the one given to me first, which is a horribly long time ago. Bourbon is the wonderful person who nominated me for this award, One Lovely Blog, and I feel awful for not doing this sooner. Thank you, Bourbon, for this incredible honor…This was my first award, and you were/are so gracious in acknowledging this blog back when it was just a little fledgling and I had no idea what I was doing (wait…that shouldn’t be in past tense.. :)).
1) Thank the blogger who nominated you.
2) Share seven things about yourself.
3) Nominate ten blogs you admire.
7 things about myself:
- I’ve ridden horses my entire life, and actually won a World Championship at the APHA World Champion Show in 2003
- In high school, I was the Vice President of the FFA. Yeah..that was an interesting point in my life
- Friends is my all-time favorite show. My favorite character is Phoebe. 🙂
- I hate math and typically don’t like numbers, but my job is actually as a Financial Aid Counselor at a unviersity, and I actually kind of like it
- I’m a leftie
- I love to go on long drives
- I like almost any type of music and am a sucker for anything with a beautiful melody and good bass
Ten blogs I admire:
Living While Healing – An inspiring blog about healing from Complex PTSD and all that comes with it
Tales of a Boundary Ninja – Just an awesome blog that gives hope to me and many others that healing is possible
Tales of a Crazy Psychology Major – I was one of these until recently…This is one of the first blogs I started reading
Getting Closer – A friend from the forum I mentioned above. I’m always amazed at how brave she is in facing everything head on
Defying PTSD – Not to mention that I love the song “Defying Gravity” and think of it every time I see the name of her blog, I also resonate with many of her words
Tesseract – One of the most inspiring blogs – simply because I hope I could be even a tenth as brave as she is in dealing with everything she’s facing.
BuckWheatsRisk – Yet another survivor of abuse..She posts about many things including narcissism and how it hurts others, which greatly resonates with me
lost inamaze – Although she hasn’t posted in a while, this another one of the blogs that I started reading when I first joined here and has always been a source of inspiration for me and many others
Chewing Taffy – Another friend from the forum. She’s a beautiful writer and person..
SparrowInTheSnow – Last, but absolutely not least, I love this blog and its writer for her candidness in sharing day-to-day struggles and triumphs that I relate to so much
Thank you again to Bourbon for the award. I have two others to get to, so check back in if you’d like to read a bit more of my babbling. 🙂