I’ve been with my therapist through 2 previous holiday seasons, however I’ve never made any sort of gesture, not even a card. It’s not that I haven’t been appreciative or didn’t care enough to make a gesture – I have just been uncomfortable showing that kind of affection. Well, this year, the impulse hit me to give my T a card. At first I thought I’d just give a card with a couple of words on it, but I later decided that I wanted to write a letter to her. I keep swinging back and forth between thinking I’d like her to read the card and letter while I’m there to thinking that I’d rather chew off my own arm before I’m there for that. I think it’s going to be something I’m going to decide in the moment. Anyway, this is what I wrote to her:
I don’t really know how to even begin to thank you for everything you’ve done for me since I first walked into your office more than 2 years ago. It might sound like something straight off a corny daytime soap, but you have quite literally saved my life, probably a few times over. You’ve saved my life in many figurative ways as well, and for both of those things, I will be forever in your debt. You’ve shown me a sort of kindness that I didn’t even know existed, and it took me a long time to believe that it was real and genuine (sorry :)).
I didn’t want all of this to go unsaid, but I think it would have if I didn’t write it down, because I don’t have the guts to say all of this out loud. But I didn’t know if you could tell how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and some sort of thank you seemed like the best gift I could give right now. Part of me feels like it’s pretentious to assume that this could mean anything to you, but obviously part of me hopes it does. I hope you have a wonderful holiday.
I was too afraid to say the “L” word. I’m still confused about that anyway, so I decided not to venture into that territory yet. I’ve never been good at things like this, but I hope maybe this can be somewhat meaningful to her. I will either give the card to her today or later, if I have another session this week. After this week, we won’t have a session for about 3 weeks, and then she’ll be gone for another 2 weeks at the end of January. It makes me worry, because of course after weeks, maybe even months, of not having any trouble with suicidal thoughts, I started having them again over the weekend. Everything is so horribly overwhelming right now, but if anything it’s made me more thankful for my T’s support. I’m glad I’ve found a way to express that to her.