Hello, everyone. I’m sorry about my absence lately – it has been a busy and emotional time. Right now, I just need to type out some stuff, because it’s interfering with my ability to think and do my job. It may not help, but it’s worth a try, right?
Last night I had what ended up being a 2 hour session with T. We had scheduled a session at 5 so I didn’t have to miss work, but she normally doesn’t work after 5, so the timing of it was an exception. She wanted to do it after work, because we were going to allow for more time for me to share more details with her about the abuse, which I’ve basically never done, and she didn’t want me to have to go back to work. That ended up being a good decision.
It was dark and rainy by the time I got there, and the first thing I talked about was my work situation. I’m technically considered a temporary full-time employee at my job, but my job is actually stable – it’s just the stipulations around being temporary that are killing me. No leave time, no benefits, and, at some time during any 12 months of employment, mandatory 31 consecutive days off with no pay. I had been told when I was hired in May that they were looking for someone who would stay on as permanent. I thought my position may be up in August, so I talked to my boss at that point, who told me that my status as a temp was through next May, however there may be a chance I could become permanent in November.
I talked to my boss at the beginning of this month, who told me that I likely wouldn’t even have a chance at becoming permanent until next June, because they can’t officially make a position available until then. Right now, I’m doing double the work I was originally hired to do at the same pay. I will be losing my health insurance in the next few months. And now the 31 days off is inevitable. All of that hit me at once when she said that about June, so at that point, I started to get emotional. I ended up in tears for the rest of our 20-30 minute conversation. She was very empathetic and asked questions about what was going on for me lately. She seemed shocked at what was going on (I only told her about breaking off contact with my father – not any specifics as to why), because I am known around the office as always being that person with a smile on their face. She said I’d been doing great work, especially with what was going on for me, but that her hands are tied right now. I told her I understood, but I’m just not sure what to do right now. Temporary unemployment benefits are a possibility during those 31 days off, however I won’t even be able to file a claim until I’m off of work, which won’t be until sometime next year.
So I relayed all of this to my T, who, like me, seemed maybe a little surprised that I ended up crying in front of my boss, but then again wasn’t surprised at all. We talked for a few more minutes, and then made a kind of rocky transition into what we were there for. She wanted to lay down some ground rules before we got started. She wanted me to keep my eyes open as much as possible, to look around me and remember where I am, and to look at her and remember who she is. She asked if there was anything she could do to make the office safer first. I could feel my cheeks get hot, because part of me felt like I was being scolded for not always doing those things before, but I pushed it away and started to talk about some of the nightmares I’d been having.
***Potential CSA triggers***
They’ve all involved my father in some way. Sometimes as a good person, sometimes as a bad person. My thoughts were scattered, though, so I didn’t stay with that long before I went on to talk about some of the physical sensations I get. I normally gloss over those or don’t even mention them, but seeing as T kept reassuring me that she can take care of herself and that I can tell her anything, I pushed myself to go into more detail. Which then led into the memories themselves.
I’ve never shared specific details with her about those memories. I’ve never been able to. I shared a bit, and then got to a point where I started to be vague again, which T noticed and reassured me once more that she can handle it and that she has ways to take care of herself no matter what I tell her. So I went into slightly more graphic details, but couldn’t continue for much longer. At one point, I could tell I’d said something that slightly shocked T, which unsettled me. T gave me a moment and asked me if I wanted her to ask questions. I asked her if she had questions, and she said she did, but that it only mattered if I thought it would help me. So I said okay. I gave answers to things that I would never have been able to tell her in any other form of communication other than a nod.
I was oddly unemotional while I was telling her things, and then I would become emotional afterward. Anytime she said any kind words to me, it’d cause another burst of tears. At one point, I wrapped a blanket around me, because she suggested it might help that feeling like I was going to explode with emotion. Oddly, or maybe not so much, when I I had the blanket around me, it beckoned even more tears, and I probably cried harder than I ever have in her office. I still did so while making the least amount of noise as possible, which we also discovered the reason for last night.
T was wonderfully supportive and told me, regarding my worries that she would find me disgusting, that there wasn’t “room in her heart” to be disgusted with me. She admitted to being disgusted with my father, but never with me.
The reason she had suggested having this “tell-all” per say was because I’d never shared, in detail, any of that with anyone. And she said it would help take some of the power away from those memories if I share them. It may have done that, and maybe I’ll be able to feel that eventually, but right now, I’m still reeling. I can’t concentrate, and I must be dissociating because there’s a slight sense of things being unreal. My emotions are up at the surface and dangerously easy to feel.
Maybe it’s because I’m slightly out of it, but I think maybe it did help to write all of this down. All the while listening over and over to the beautiful instrumental song “Heroes” by Michael W. Smith. Maybe I can make it through this day.