I have been quite absent lately, and I would say I’m sorry, but I don’t think it really matters. Since I’m having such a hard time articulating anything, this will be just an update on recent happenings, maybe with a few details left out to keep myself from getting super triggered.
First of all, in a bit of very good news, I have worked out a way to keep my horse, thanks to a bit of help from my mother. In exchange for giving her riding lessons so she can take him on trail rides, my mom agreed to help me pay for my horse’s upkeep. I’ve been driving 5 hours round trip every weekend to give her a couple lessons and to ride him myself, but it’s completely worth it. It’s always felt so “right” for me to be on the back of a horse, especially this horse. Riding is the one time where I can get out of my head and away from my thoughts and feelings and everything that tends to plague me. My T told me that it fascinates her to hear me talk about riding, because I talk about such subtleties between my horse and me that she never experienced during the few times she rode a horse. I’ve had many people tell me that over the years, actually.
Things aren’t so bright pretty much as soon as I’m not in the saddle. I’ve been hit with overwhelming sadness due to this sudden desire for T to be my mom. And it’s too unbearable to sit with for long. I can’t say much else on that because I’ll end up horribly triggered.
I recently had a physical (my first in about 4 years…whoops). I met with a new doctor that my T had recommended to me a long time ago, and I really liked her. She actually reminded me of my T a lot, and when she asked me if I was seeing a therapist in conjunction with my depression meds, she broke out in a smile when I said my T’s name and told me how wonderful she is and that they try to get together from time to time. She was very down-to-earth, she explained things, and asked me if I had any questions. Due to my mother’s history of breast cancer, she wanted to do a breast exam which terrified me at the thought, but I’d luckily had one done before, so it wasn’t catastrophic. She explained what she was going to do even before she did it and was very sensitive, which helped. The thing that has me continuously triggered now, even weeks after this appointment, is that I’ve now been scheduled for my first pap – something I’ve been avoiding for years. I didn’t tell her about my CSA history, but I know I’ll need to tell her at the appointment, at least for my sake. The appointment isn’t until January, but I’m already beyond terrified.
I also take on new responsibilities at work next week, which will hopefully give me a step up when I apply for the permanent position later this month or early next month, since I’ll be doing the entire job already. I’m nervous I’m going to screw up, but considering I’ve actually caught others’ mistakes while training myself (yeah, training myself. Whatever.), I’m feeling okay-ish about it.
Anyway, in the meantime, I’m trying to come up with the courage to talk about this mom thing with T next week, since we weren’t able to meet this week due to scheduling issues. Hopefully, the grief of it all won’t kill me. Or maybe I wish it would…that might be easier. 😦