I set off the bomb

I’m terrified.  I sent my father an email telling him that I’m severing ties with him, and I am beyond terrified.  It’s short but to the point.  It’s very firm and brimming with confidence that is a complete sham.  I feel like a horrible, horrible person right now.  I knew I’d question my decision, but not this much.  This is supposed to be a healthy decision.  Why does it feel so bad?  I thought some part of me would feel like this was the right choice, but either that part doesn’t exist or it’s being smothered by fear.

Kind of freaking out and trying not to get thrown into the past.  I feel sick.

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14 thoughts on “I set off the bomb

  1. ((((Kashley)))) FWIW, I think it’s the right decision, but of course it doesn’t feel good. This is your father, the man who should have loved and protected you and been a man, whom at this stage of your life you should be able to take joy in honoring but instead are forced to sever ties with for your own well-being. In what world could that be a good decision? The correct decision yes, a necessary decision yes, but a good decision? No. I am so sorry it has come to this. And of course it feels scary because there was a time when you were completely in his power and he hurt you badly and though you know that is no longer true (or you wouldn’t have been able to take this step), you still carry those feelings and fears. Keep talking to those around now who know what you are going through and the truth of who your father is, especially your T, so that they can reflect the truth back to you, that you are strong enough to keep yourself safe, and that you have every right to do so. But most importantly, it is ultimately your father who is responsible for this rupture in the relationship not you. It is not loving to either of you to stay and be abused.

    But hon, I am so sorry, we’re not supposed to have to cut off our parents. You shouldn’t have had to do this. I wish I could just come and sit with you. ~ AG

    1. Thanks, AG. Your comment brought tears to my eyes. After just getting a reply from him, I feel even worse and even more confused. I see T tomorrow and I’m hoping I can get a little more clarity. I might even bring in his reply because I can’t really make sense of it.

      1. I think taking his reply to your T is a really good idea Kashley, it is very hard for us to achieve perspective and clarity when it comes to our abusers and such an emotionally charged situation, I think its wise to turn to your T for that input. I hope you find more clarity and some peace in the midst of this. You deserve that.

      2. ((AG)) Thanks for the encouragement…you’ve helped me build up the courage to bring in his reply to my T tomorrow (not sure why I’m so scared to do that, though!). Hugs to you.

  2. Stay strong for sure Kashley, though it is anything but easy. I second AG in suggesting you take his reply to your T. She will see it differently, and as my T often says, because she didn’t experience “it” like you did, the perspective T can offer will likely be very helpful.

    You are doing such a good job taking care of YOU. It is NOT easy work at all, but you are worth it!

    1. Thanks, Purple. ((hugs)) He’s sent me 3 emails now, long ones, going on diatribes about how I “dumped” him. I haven’t really read through them…I can’t. At this point, I don’t know whether to bring them all in or not.

  3. Hey Kashley –

    AG’s post is everything I would want to say. So maybe go back and read it again, with me standing behind her and saying, “yeah, that.”

    I made this same decision (my mom, not dad) back in November of last year. It was scary, and terrifying, and upsetting, and ultimately devastating to me. But it was always the right decision. What’s true is that we are never meant to be in a position to need to sever ties with our patents. But if we need to, that is such proof that something horrible has gone wrong. It’s devastating that I had to cut contact with her. But what’s most devastating is that she did things to me to make that decision necessary, and that she kept doing things that made that decision possible. Know what I mean? I’m here for you! Keep going!

    1. I’m sorry you had to make the same decision, but gosh, thank you for the support. I’m having a hard time right now. Really hard time. And I was so shut down at my session today because I’m just too scared to feel so I didn’t get that connection with T that I really needed. Anyway sorry I’m just rambling but thank you so much for your support as always. xx

      1. Be gentle with you, Kashley – of course you are shut down. It’s a big, big feeling – one we never should have to feel. But I’m proud of you. Keep breathing, keep going.

      2. Oh my gosh, Kashley, that is exactly the space I have been in. Who am I? How do I possibly identify myself in the context of this family, of the lifetime of abuse and the relationship to/with the abuser? But how do I possibly identify myself as separate from them, as apart, as alone. My father is dead, my grandmother (who helped raise me) is dead, my only living parent is my abuser. I have no parents. I have no safety net. I have no foundation. I can feel anchorless, support-less, I can feel like the last of my line, or the sole survivor of a plane crash, or the sole sane person in an insane world (how then do you know you are sane?). Most often it feels like my family is on a burning, sinking shipwreck. I have somehow made it to the safety of the water. I take two strokes towards land, and then I turn my head back. And they are on that ship – my whole family, broken and sick and confused and lost, and they are screaming at me to come back, cursing and hurling insults at me as I swim away. And I am crying, and broken hearted, and devastated, and I have to keep swimming or I am going to drown. And the only way to swim is away. Keep swimming, Kashley. It’s lonely on land, sometimes. But it’s safe, and it’s good, and I know who I am.

      3. How powerful, MMM. Yes, it’s very hard. My mother and I got in a fight about it and basically she’s telling me that I’m being cruel for not saying “enough” to him to keep him from threatening her job. And she told me that I took the easy way out. I was crying when she kept saying these things and kept demanding that I give her more details and examples as to why I am making this decision, but I just couldn’t speak. You’re right – sometimes you’re the only sane person, but then again, if you are, how do you know if you’re sane?

        Sorry to go on…thanks for the support and understanding.

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