Burning with anger

I got my horse back on Monday, at least temporarily, and as soon as I saw him, I vowed to always keep him in my care forever.

He was leased to this woman for a little over 3 months.  He came to her overweight and healthy.  On Monday, I saw a bone-thin and lame horse.  I felt sick when I saw him.  I can count his ribs no matter which angle I look at him.  His hip bones are sticking out.  Running my hand along his back, I can feel the bones along his spine.  I didn’t even know he was lame until the day before we picked him up.  It turns out he has been lame and hurting for at least a month, and the woman never did anything about it.  Within two days of being home, we have resolved his lameness issue and gotten him back on a proper feeding schedule.

This week, I have been more angry than I have been in my entire life.  And somehow, it’s okay.  It’s a protective anger coming from a protective part, and that makes it okay.  I have spent days preparing a letter to this woman and have had to hold myself back from cussing her out because I’m just so angry.  I love this horse more than anything in this world, and to see her treat him like that infuriates me.  I’m enormously relieved to have him back and under my care, but every time I see him and see his ribs sticking out, I feel that anger bursting forward again.

A part of me is relieved that I feel this anger, this protectiveness, because it lets me know that I’m a real person.  That I’m not dead inside or totally unable to feel any love for anything.

But the rest of me is just angry.

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6 thoughts on “Burning with anger

  1. Kashley,
    Your anger is so understandable and I am sorry that your horse was so neglected. I am very glad that he is back home with you where he will be properly cared for, as he should be. I am also hearing how powerful it is for you to recognize that you carry this protectiveness within you, this capacity to defend and care for that which you love,. Its such an important part of what makes us human and how we know we’re alive An important part of our healing is to learn that we, ourselves, are one of the things we need to defend and care for. I am grateful that your beloved horse is giving you access to that important part of yourself. I hope he continues to mend quickly under your care. And I can’t say in public what I would like to have happen to the woman who leased him. I’d like to lease her for three months and treat her the way she treated your horse. ((((Kashley)))) ~ AG

    1. Thanks, AG. Yeah, it’s a little surreal to feel this way, because I’d honestly felt as if I’d never have the capacity to really, truly care for anything or anyone. It turns out it was there, but I just didn’t know it was. And what happened to him was mostly out of complete ignorance and incompetence, but even a 5 year old could look at him and see that something is wrong.

      Thanks for the support, AG.

  2. Yeah, so I love AG’s post, and it’s a pain in my butt to ever have to post after her, because how can you follow that? But I wanted to add that the whole time I was reading your post, I was thinking about how your protective voice sounds like my “momma bear” voice. I was thinking, the whole time, how that voice is the voice that should have been there to protect us as children. We were as loving, trusting, beautiful, and treasured as your sweet horse. And I know that I am working to turn towards that little scared child in me with the same protective, compassionate, loving voice. I’m cheering for you.

    1. Aw, MMM…I can’t tell you how much I value your comment! What you said is so, so true. I have a session today and I have a very strong feeling that my T is going to try to get me to use that same “momma bear” voice to protect the little parts of me. But that’s only going to happen after I get through my tirade about this whole fiasco. 🙂

  3. Wow — who would do that to an animal? I am so sorry it must be so painful seeing your horse like that. I bet he is so glad to be home xx

    1. Thanks, Bourbon. It is very painful to see him like that, and I can’t wait until he’s gained some weight so I’m not constantly reminded of what happened. But he’s such a happy and sweet boy and does seem happy to be home. Hugs to you. xx

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