Loss

I’m facing a decision that I’ve avoided making for years.  But I can’t avoid it anymore.  There’s not a way out this time.  The decision involves getting rid of the one good thing that’s held me together throughout my life.  It’s a core part of who I am.  It’s the one spot without that black tarnish.

I’m honestly falling farther into depression than I ever have before.  This is the one thing I’ve ever loved.

What hurts more is that I’m making this decision because, given the circumstances, I rationally know it’s the best thing to do.  I almost wish the choice were taken out of my hands.  That way I wouldn’t have to wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  Horses have been my refuge for years.  But once this is over, I won’t have that anymore.  Even my memories that used to be safe and good will just become painful reminders.

I keep thinking of my T encouraging me to visit rescues and other farms to be around horses, but I thought of an analogy last night that explains why that doesn’t help.  My T told me once that she loves connecting with people.  But isn’t there a difference between chatting with a stranger in a store and connecting with a person on a deep level in a more intimate relationship?  That’s the difference.

I’ll get through this, right?  Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.

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6 thoughts on “Loss

  1. I don’t even know what to say Kashley…. I have been in this exact spot, and it is not a comfortable spot in which to stand. My T also has suggested volunteering at a Therapeutic riding school, or volunteering at a rescue farm, and you so clearly stated why that isn’t the same. It just isn’t, and I don’t think anyone that hasn’t worked with horses can ever know how different that is.

    Part of my fear in volunteering is that the connection I had with my horse was so strong, that I fear if I spent too much time with any other horse, I just won’t be able to handle it. If there is ANYthing I can offer to help make this decision, this time, any easier, please let me know… just reading this post brought evoked the memories, and it’s been nearly 10 years.

    1. Oh, yes…I fear I wouldn’t be able to handle it either. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with the same thing, but it honestly helps to know that maybe I’m not crazy for feeling this much grief over it.

      ((Hugs)) to you. xx

  2. Hey Kashley – I get the idea that horses that aren’t yours are NOT AT ALL the same as a deep, connected, loving relationship with your own horse. But I don’t get why you have to give it up? Is it a money thing? Why do you have to give up what you love?

      1. Hey MMM,

        Yes, it’s a money thing. It’s kind of complicated and a long explanation. I could maybe keep him if I asked my father for help, but I don’t want to do that, and I’m not even sure he would help. If I ask him for help, there will be hell to pay…I’ve been ignoring his calls. It costs so much every month for the upkeep of a horse, and I’ll completely drain my savings (which I’m using to pay back my student loan debt) if I keep him even just a couple months until I get something else worked out. If I sell him, even if that takes a couple months, I can more than pay back my savings plus some, which would help with my debt. I’m still looking for that Hail Mary way of keeping him, but I’m not seeing it yet.

        Thanks for the support. xx

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