I’m facing a decision that I’ve avoided making for years. But I can’t avoid it anymore. There’s not a way out this time. The decision involves getting rid of the one good thing that’s held me together throughout my life. It’s a core part of who I am. It’s the one spot without that black tarnish.
I’m honestly falling farther into depression than I ever have before. This is the one thing I’ve ever loved.
What hurts more is that I’m making this decision because, given the circumstances, I rationally know it’s the best thing to do. I almost wish the choice were taken out of my hands. That way I wouldn’t have to wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Horses have been my refuge for years. But once this is over, I won’t have that anymore. Even my memories that used to be safe and good will just become painful reminders.
I keep thinking of my T encouraging me to visit rescues and other farms to be around horses, but I thought of an analogy last night that explains why that doesn’t help. My T told me once that she loves connecting with people. But isn’t there a difference between chatting with a stranger in a store and connecting with a person on a deep level in a more intimate relationship? That’s the difference.
I’ll get through this, right? Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.