I cut my feelings off again. And I’ve decided that I never want to call my therapist again. Not because she’s done anything bad – quite the opposite, actually – but because I feel too guilty needing her and wasting her time. Maybe I should just stop therapy.
Taking a step back, I can see that maybe this is part of that pendulum swing of disorganized attachment: wanting to get close, getting close, then running desperately away. I spoke with T twice on the phone this week. That’s never happened before, and I don’t want it to happen again. The second time I spoke with her was after I had spoken to my landlord, and I was convinced that I heard something in her voice. Resentment, frustration, exasperation with me.
So now I want to back off. Give her space, because I’m too much. In order to do that, I cut off from my emotions. I was a crying mess up until yesterday afternoon when I just shut it all down. It’s easier this way. I can deal with the fear and guilt that threatens me when I see the maintenance guy’s truck in the parking lot of the apartments. Shut it down, convince myself that it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I can deal with the rejection from T that a part of me is convinced is coming. Now, it won’t hurt. I can deal with the terror I feel in preparation for a presentation in front of 100+ people on Saturday. It doesn’t matter what happens.
It’s too hard being close to someone. I want to take the easy way out and just avoid closeness and needs altogether.