Maybe this is what retraumatization is like. The present feels completely mixed up with the past, but it’s all coming forward at the same time. Everything feels overwhelming. I can’t handle it.
My father is in my head, telling me over and over again how worthless I am and how much I deserved what happened and how I would have deserved what could have possibly happened. It saps me of all my energy. I don’t know how I’m functioning and still going to work. I told T that I felt like I was about to fall into a bad place where I might be suicidal or just plain non-functional. She asked if I wanted her to help me find a hospital for a few days. I said it wasn’t that serious. She seems understanding why I feel this way. I think she’s just being nice but secretly thinking that it’s ridiculous how much this has affected me. She’s says it’s not ridiculous. I don’t believe her.
She asked if it would help if she aided me in talking to my landlord about the guy. I told her that it’s my responsibility – even though I think we both know that I don’t have it in me to call on my own. She asked if I had anyone else besides her who could support me to call him. When I said no, and she said that’s what she was afraid of, I felt horribly pathetic. I feel so much self-hate right now. I don’t know how she can stand me right now. I’m utterly useless. I know I won’t call my landlord on my own.
She made a list of things for me to do. One of them is to buy some mace. I had told her that I was afraid, however stupid, of retaliation (as T called it) from the guy if he ends up losing his job because of me. So she wants me to buy mace. When I said I would, she wanted to know how it felt to say that, and I told her that it felt wrong. It feels wrong for me to be doing this for myself. She wants me to call if I get to a place where I’m not functioning. She wants me to consider scheduling a few 1 1/2 hour sessions to let some emotions out, but told me that she wants to wait until I’m stabilized a bit more, unless it’s really urgent.
I think she might be worried about me, but I feel like it’s complete crap that I’ve made her feel that way, because it’s complete crap that I even feel this way in the first place. It’s going to be a week until I see her again because of scheduling issues. A lot can happen in a week.