Barely functioning

Maybe this is what retraumatization is like.  The present feels completely mixed up with the past, but it’s all coming forward at the same time.  Everything feels overwhelming.  I can’t handle it.

My father is in my head, telling me over and over again how worthless I am and how much I deserved what happened and how I would have deserved what could have possibly happened.  It saps me of all my energy.  I don’t know how I’m functioning and still going to work.  I told T that I felt like I was about to fall into a bad place where I might be suicidal or just plain non-functional.  She asked if I wanted her to help me find a hospital for a few days.  I said it wasn’t that serious.  She seems understanding why I feel this way.  I think she’s just being nice but secretly thinking that it’s ridiculous how much this has affected me.  She’s says it’s not ridiculous.  I don’t believe her.

She asked if it would help if she aided me in talking to my landlord about the guy.  I told her that it’s my responsibility – even though I think we both know that I don’t have it in me to call on my own.  She asked if I had anyone else besides her who could support me to call him.  When I said no, and she said that’s what she was afraid of, I felt horribly pathetic.  I feel so much self-hate right now.  I don’t know how she can stand me right now.  I’m utterly useless.  I know I won’t call my landlord on my own.

She made a list of things for me to do.  One of them is to buy some mace.  I had told her that I was afraid, however stupid, of retaliation (as T called it) from the guy if he ends up losing his job because of me.  So she wants me to buy mace.  When I said I would, she wanted to know how it felt to say that, and I told her that it felt wrong.  It feels wrong for me to be doing this for myself.  She wants me to call if I get to a place where I’m not functioning.  She wants me to consider scheduling a few 1 1/2 hour sessions to let some emotions out, but told me that she wants to wait until I’m stabilized a bit more, unless it’s really urgent.

I think she might be worried about me, but I feel like it’s complete crap that I’ve made her feel that way, because it’s complete crap that I even feel this way in the first place.  It’s going to be a week until I see her again because of scheduling issues.  A lot can happen in a week.


6 thoughts on “Barely functioning

  1. Kashley,
    I am feeling many of the same feelings but see so clearly when it comes to you that 1)you are not overreacting in the least. I think someone without your background would have found what happened really scary and threatening. And wouldn’t hesitate to buy mace. For someone with your background, it’s downright terrifying because of what you’re experiencing now which is all the trauma that gets kicked up. It can be difficult when something so profound happens out of your control that throws all of it at you at once. 2) You’re T does not think you’re pathetic either. she understands that this is difficult stuff to open up about and its difficult for many people to understand so it makes sense that its hard to find support. Let her provide that support. I know I would need support in your place. Despite your experience, it;s legitimate to need other people 3) You’re dad can go f*&^ himself for the things he taught you about yourself. You are NOT worthless and you did NOT deserve what happened to you. Nor did you deserve to feel threatened in your own home. You are NOT the one doing anything wrong hon. not even close. I’m sorry, I truly do understand how de-railing this can be and how hard it is to keep functioning. Just know you are not alone and you are not wrong to feel this way. If anything you are minimizing the situation. Please try to take good care of yourself. ((())) AG

    1. Thank you, AG. I’m sorry you’re feeling some of the same stuff, although I completely understand why. Not fun, huh? 😦 Thank you for being so validating…I kind of feel like I’m going crazy. I hope you’re coping okay, too. (((hugs)))

  2. Kashley –

    I’m here, checking on you. I’m sorry I haven’t been quicker to respond – I’ve been in the middle of a rough week here. But I wanted to say that when things happen to me, I often get so muddled in how I’m thinking about them. It helps me so much to think about what happened happening to someone else. And I want to tell you that I’m crystal clear on what happened to you this week – it was absolutely unacceptable. It would have scared the crap out of me, it would have scared the crap out of my daughter, it was terror-izing. When you add in that you have a history of that sort of thing actually being real, of “what could have happened” actually happening, it’s no wonder to me that you are so upset.

    So, I think about you, and I think about my daughter. And I think about how I want to stomp on that guys face. He had no right. He purposely terrorized you and you are not making too much of it.

    I want to stomp his face. And I want to hug you. You didn’t do anything wrong in the moment. You aren’t feeling anything wrong right now. Something bad happened to you a long time ago. Something happened this week that just jabbed at that wound. You are wounded. So you hurt. And it was scary. So you are scared.

    I’m hoping you are doing ok.

    I’m here for you.

    1. Thanks, MMM. That’s really sweet of you. I’m sorry things are rough for you right now. It’s so thoughtful of you to post when you’re going through your own stuff.

      I’m managing, I guess. Just not very well. Honestly, I’m miserable. But..what are you gonna do, right? 😦

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