Repercussions

I told her. I told her over and over again that if I did something to upset my father, he would take it out on her. She said that it didn’t matter, that she would let me do what I choose. But lo and behold, here I am, being yelled at by mother for my father’s anger for not calling him (he was affected by Hurricane Isaac). I told her that this is what was always going to happen. She just said that she needed to get off the phone because she couldn’t deal with me yelling at her. I wasn’t even remotely yelling at her. So I said that I wasn’t angry with her at all, but that I had told her a long time ago that if I decided to break off from my father that this is what would happen. That he would take out his anger on her. She had insisted over and over again that it was fine, that I could do whatever I wanted. But I knew better. I knew this would happen. I knew she would be angry with me as soon as he started to take it out on her.

But it still upsets me to my very core. I told my therapist last week that I didn’t like who I was becoming. I said that by standing up for myself, I was hurting others. She said that my dilemma goes down to the most basic existential crisis – by going to work last week, I helped a suicidal student, but I may have killed an ant while I was getting to work. It still doesn’t make me feel any better or any less guilty. I’m having trouble not just doing something destructive to rid the world of myself.

I knew this would happen. I just wasn’t as prepared for it as I thought.

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4 thoughts on “Repercussions

  1. I hate to say this right now, but no matter how many times this has happened, to me (and it has happened a LOT) I never feel quite as prepared as I wish. I have gotten better at “handling it” in the moment, but I still fall to pieces when I hang up the phone, or leave their company. I didn’t like (and still am unsure of) the person I started uncovering when T and I dug into this family work. Little by little I’m getting more used to this me, and you will too. You are doing good, hard, positive work, and it is painfully challenging and very unsettling. It’s good work though, and your T will help walk you through this one, too. (((Kashley)))

    1. Thanks, Purple. 🙂 Yeah, it’s weird to me sometimes because in some sense, I know I’m doing the “right” thing, but since it doesn’t feel right, I feel like the person in becoming isn’t a good person. I’m glad you’re becoming more accustomed to that person…hopefully I can do that soon as well. Thanks for your care and support as always. xx

  2. Kashley,
    Your lines of responsibility are being drawn in the wrong place. It is NOT you getting angry and mistreating your mom. It is your father. HE is responsible for his reactions and feelings about how you act towards him (and btw not allowing yourself to be abused is loving towards both yourself and him; your mom could afford to learn something from you). And it is he that is choosing to vent his ire on a handy target because you refuse to buckle under to his bullying. And it is your mother’s choice to allow herself to be treated this way, and then, just like your father, to vent her feelings, for which she is responsibile, on someone else. How long do you have to take emotional responsibility for everyone in the family? I know your feelings are telling you that you are being cruel and callous, but the truth is that is the introjected, internalized votive of your parents, trying to make you take care of things that are not yours. Boundaries are not something we make up; they are a reflection of reality. No matter how much your parents browbeat you, you cannot be responsible for their feelings. One of the reasons you are so worn out is that you have been attempting to do the impossible you’re whole life. Enough! You are taking care of what you are supposed to, your stuff. And that is enough. Please think of what you would say if someone else we’re saying this; the only difference is the lies about yourself that were so deeply embedded by the abuse you suffered. it is a good thing to turn away from from those lies and listen to them no longer.

    AG

    1. Thanks, AG. I have been wondering why he didn’t confront me about it, since he usually has no problem with doing so. Boy, this is damn scary though. I’m terrified how things will turn out, and even though I cognitively know he can’t hurt me, it feels like I’m taunting the devil.

      Thanks for your support and for helping me see a different reality. ((hug))

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