That was easy.

I just realized that I need to find one of those Staples “Easy” buttons for my office.  And I also need to get one of those State Farm guys who can pop in and just make things happen or transport you from a office car surrounded by angry parents bears to a beach in Aruba.  Or to a villa on the Amalfi Coast.  Can you imagine?  The combination of an actual Easy button and a magical State Farm man would be so fantastic it might make the universe implode.

Circumstances in which I would employ my Easy button:

1.  Work problems.

2. Processing trauma in therapy.

3. When I struggle with telling my T the entire, ugly truth.

4. ED problems.

5. Oil changes.  Seriously – I will be spending part of my Saturday sitting in a shop waiting on my car.  Who honestly wants to do that?

So, while I sit here thinking of how much easier it would be to just press a large, red button and have all of my troubles go away, I’m also thinking of my therapy session coming up on Monday and whether or not I want to try to continue to talk about my attachment to my T – which I’ve come to think is now gone, considering I’ve so desperately pushed it away since we first had the conversation about attachment.  I feel ashamed of being even remotely attached to her or needing her in any way.  It feels like a disgrace – although I can’t pinpoint exactly why.  And I even feel ashamed of being ashamed, because it just shows that maybe I really am lesser of a human being because I can’t have honest interactions with people.

I shared with my T that I felt ashamed for being attached.  I was sick and so drugged up at the time, that I can’t remember if she said much, but I’m not sure she did.  I wished she would have told me that it’s okay to be attached.  She’s shown me that through her actions, yes, but sometimes it helps to just hear those words and know, for sure, that you are interpreting things correctly.  It feels so horribly not okay to be connected to her.  I’ve pushed all feelings away – I’m in full functional mode – and this functionality coupled with the belief that I shouldn’t, and don’t, need her is making me think that I should just quit “while I’m ahead.”  She said a few sessions ago that this was important work, but what if it’s not?  What if I was just tricking myself into believing I was attached, which means it’s not actual attachment, so  it’s not really important work?  It’s still hard to believe that anyone would think that doing anything to help me is important.

Yeah, I could use that Easy button about now.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “That was easy.

  1. I would so love that easy button! For all the above reasons, and I’d like it to also make dealing with my family *easy* too. Cause it’s anything but.

    I can empathize with the discomfort in the attachment to T. It doesn’t feel right, even though it kinda naturally happens due to the nature of the therapeutic relationship. It did get easier for me, and I do hope it gets easier for you, too. You’re an important person in this world, that’s why T wants to help you, that’s why we like reading your blog and commenting – you are making a difference just by doing what you’re doing!

    1. Ah, yeah, family too! Always a tough one. I’m glad dealing with the relationship got easier for you. It definitely gives me a flicker of hope that maybe this isn’t all bad. 🙂

  2. Kashley,
    I am also a big fan of obtaining an “Easy” button. Failing that, if I could just get my T to wave that magic wand I know he keeps somewhere… Healing is really hard and often exhausting and I have lost track of how many times I have threatened to quit. So I understand you wanting to quit while you’re ahead. But the truth is, that moving closer continues to be scary for a very long time, so you are searching for any excuse to leave and thereby keep yourself “safe” from having this connection.

    So much of my work with BN centered around our relationship and exploring the attachment and its significance to me and my struggles with the boundaries that evoked so much past pain. We were injured in relationship and it is in relationship that we heal. I just want to encourage you that for a number of years now, my work in therapy has centered around my relationship with BN. I understand the terrible shame that gets kicked up, but try and hang on to the fact that you are doing nothing wrong, and so much right, and that shame is a lie and part of the terrible legacy left behind about the abuse.

    AG

    1. Hehe, my T LITERALLY has one of those wands that you give kids…the kind that has the purple water inside with glittery stuff all in it? Yep, right next to the tissues on the table next to me. Too bad it doesn’t work. 🙂 It seems odd to me to have shame around an honest relationship with a safe person, but in the context you mentioned it, it makes a bit more sense. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, AG. xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s