I just realized that I need to find one of those Staples “Easy” buttons for my office. And I also need to get one of those State Farm guys who can pop in and just make things happen or transport you from a
office car surrounded by angry parents bears to a beach in Aruba. Or to a villa on the Amalfi Coast. Can you imagine? The combination of an actual Easy button and a magical State Farm man would be so fantastic it might make the universe implode.
Circumstances in which I would employ my Easy button:
1. Work problems.
2. Processing trauma in therapy.
3. When I struggle with telling my T the entire, ugly truth.
4. ED problems.
5. Oil changes. Seriously – I will be spending part of my Saturday sitting in a shop waiting on my car. Who honestly wants to do that?
So, while I sit here thinking of how much easier it would be to just press a large, red button and have all of my troubles go away, I’m also thinking of my therapy session coming up on Monday and whether or not I want to try to continue to talk about my attachment to my T – which I’ve come to think is now gone, considering I’ve so desperately pushed it away since we first had the conversation about attachment. I feel ashamed of being even remotely attached to her or needing her in any way. It feels like a disgrace – although I can’t pinpoint exactly why. And I even feel ashamed of being ashamed, because it just shows that maybe I really am lesser of a human being because I can’t have honest interactions with people.
I shared with my T that I felt ashamed for being attached. I was sick and so drugged up at the time, that I can’t remember if she said much, but I’m not sure she did. I wished she would have told me that it’s okay to be attached. She’s shown me that through her actions, yes, but sometimes it helps to just hear those words and know, for sure, that you are interpreting things correctly. It feels so horribly not okay to be connected to her. I’ve pushed all feelings away – I’m in full functional mode – and this functionality coupled with the belief that I shouldn’t, and don’t, need her is making me think that I should just quit “while I’m ahead.” She said a few sessions ago that this was important work, but what if it’s not? What if I was just tricking myself into believing I was attached, which means it’s not actual attachment, so it’s not really important work? It’s still hard to believe that anyone would think that doing anything to help me is important.
Yeah, I could use that Easy button about now.