I feel like I’ve been a zombie the past few weeks, and I can’t quite figure out whether it’s due to work or from my T being gone. Probably a combination of both. I’ve avoided feelings or anything associated with them, and I’ve especially avoided anything that may make me realize I actually do miss T. I say that like a fact, but I’m really not sure if I do or not, since I can’t feel anything.
Nearly every person who comes in or calls the office right now is frustrated or angry with me – for things that aren’t my fault, but mostly theirs. They’ll blame me for not doing enough for them or for being unfair to them or for flat-out lying to them. It’s the procrastinators, typically, who haven’t done things in a timely manner and are now panicking. I’m getting about 40 calls everyday, but I spend each day returning the 40+ calls from yesterday and the day before. Not including the student and parents that come into my office everyday, some of them completely broken down in tears. I sympathize with some of these people, I do, but I mostly have to turn off any and all emotions just to get through the day and not take things personally. It takes all I have just to make it through the day and then drag myself back home.
Except I think I’ve turned everything off so completely that my emotions don’t come back online at 5pm (or 5:30 or 6). I don’t feel them trickle in over the weekend or toy with me when I get up in the mornings.
I’m in a frozen state. My apartment is a mess, but I almost feel like I’m on a set of train tracks, and I can’t deviate from the current path. I feel completely useless and like a waste of a human being.
I see T on Thursday, and I already feel guilty because I feel like it’ll just be a waste of time. I feel like a shell right now, and it seems like I shouldn’t bother T when I’m fine. I’m a shell, but I’ve been fine. No triggers (well, only a few, but mostly none), no flashbacks, no suicidal thoughts (maybe once or twice a week), only one or two SI urges. For me, that’s really not bad at all. Except when those triggers do come, or those urges for suicide or SI, they are quite strong. Very, very strong. One morning, the urge to do something permanent was so strong that it scared me. And then it was gone, and I went to work and did my job.
I’m just tired. So very tired, and I wish there was a way out. Two or three more weeks of this “peak time” at work feels like an eternity. I wish so much to just lay down and give up. Sometimes I’m not sure what keeps me going – determination or simply a fear of failure and shame?