Empty and functional

I feel like I’ve been a zombie the past few weeks, and I can’t quite figure out whether it’s due to work or from my T being gone.  Probably a combination of both.  I’ve avoided feelings or anything associated with them, and I’ve especially avoided anything that may make me realize I actually do miss T.  I say that like a fact, but I’m really not sure if I do or not, since I can’t feel anything.

Nearly every person who comes in or calls the office right now is frustrated or angry with me – for things that aren’t my fault, but mostly theirs.  They’ll blame me for not doing enough for them or for being unfair to them or for flat-out lying to them.  It’s the procrastinators, typically, who haven’t done things in a timely manner and are now panicking.  I’m getting about 40 calls everyday, but I spend each day returning the 40+ calls from yesterday and the day before.  Not including the student and parents that come into my office everyday, some of them completely broken down in tears.  I sympathize with some of these people, I do, but I mostly have to turn off any and all emotions just to get through the day and not take things personally.  It takes all I have just to make it through the day and then drag myself back home.

Except I think I’ve turned everything off so completely that my emotions don’t come back online at 5pm (or 5:30 or 6).  I don’t feel them trickle in over the weekend or toy with me when I get up in the mornings.

I’m in a frozen state.  My apartment is a mess, but I almost feel like I’m on a set of train tracks, and I can’t deviate from the current path.  I feel completely useless and like a waste of a human being.

I see T on Thursday, and I already feel guilty because I feel like it’ll just be a waste of time.  I feel like a shell right now, and it seems like I shouldn’t bother T when I’m fine.  I’m a shell, but I’ve been fine.  No triggers (well, only a few, but mostly none), no flashbacks, no suicidal thoughts (maybe once or twice a week), only one or two SI urges.  For me, that’s really not bad at all.  Except when those triggers do come, or those urges for suicide or SI, they are quite strong.  Very, very strong.  One morning, the urge to do something permanent was so strong that it scared me.  And then it was gone, and I went to work and did my job.

I’m just tired.  So very tired, and I wish there was a way out.  Two or three more weeks of this “peak time” at work feels like an eternity.  I wish so much to just lay down and give up.  Sometimes I’m not sure what keeps me going – determination or simply a fear of failure and shame?

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5 thoughts on “Empty and functional

  1. I’m sorry you are so worn down – it does take a lot of emotional energy to deal with angry people especially. Any way to get the angries out? Sometimes cleaning helps me with that, but I know you’re really pooped. Even if you are ‘fine’ it’s still okay to get some support – that way when/if the triggers do some the blow is pre-softened? Thinking of you, and hoping it gets better soon.

    1. Thank you. ((hugs)) I managed to clean up the apartment a little bit, and it did help some. I’ve still pushed a lot away (emotionally) but I have a feeling that a lot of it is going to come pouring out when I meet with T on Thursday. 🙂

  2. Kashley, I can not imagine being bombarded with other’s negative attitudes the way you are – I don’t think even the strongest and healthiest of people could handle it constantly! I’m glad to see you posting again, and hope the time between now and Thursday goes quickly. It won’t be a waste of time, if anything, you’re giving yourself the gift of time – even if you sit there and say nothing, the peace and quiet in your Ts safe office will be nourishing. Empty and functional. Kinda oxymoronic, yet, something I can completely relate to.

    1. Thank you for the reassurance about dealing with angry/frustrated people. Especially with how much I fear anger, I thought I would be horrible when I have to deal with it at work, but it’s been mostly okay. I had a mom literally scream at me today, but I think I handled it okay, even though it has completely triggered me! It has definitely primed my emotions to explode in my session, which I know my T would be fine with, but I’m not so comfortable with that! Thanks again. ((hugs))

      1. Anger is scary, and I’m in the midst of trying to explore it with my T, too. I’m a bit scared to go there, actually, cause I feel like I’m going to explode! When I do, I hope, like you, I can explode in session so T can pick up the pieces with me. I hope you’re hanging in there! xo

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