It was such a long, long, long day at work. And to top it off, I made a mistake that simply had to do with when I requested time off for my vacation…I didn’t know there was a time of the year (any time after July 2nd) that I wasn’t allowed to take time off. My boss kept telling me not to worry about it, I didn’t know, it’s fine for me to take the time off, just remember for the future.
But mistakes aren’t allowed. Not for me. I can’t accept that I didn’t know, because I feel like I should have. I can’t make mistakes.
I know that it’s the past that demanded those kinds of rules, but the raw feeling of just general vulnerability and lack of safety as a result of this mistake is overwhelming. Probably more so because of all that’s going on right now. I feel like I’m creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I’m not worthy of this job – or of life – and so I’m finding ways to make that true.
I made it through another day. But each day that passes seems like it makes it harder to get through the next. Like it’s depleting whatever fight I have left in me.