How could I be moving in two directions at once? While I feel like my professional life is taking steps forward (albeit stressful ones), my emotional life is taking a serious hit. I’m back to the place where I’m either completely numb or I’m feeling way too much and thinking about things that I shouldn’t.
I called T in crisis this week, which is the second time I’ve ever done that. I had several days of suicidal thoughts that prompted the call. The anger at my mother was/is fueling such self-hate, and anything, even death, seemed better than being angry. Anger was something my father expressed, and I can’t have anything in common with him. I’m used to having occasional suicidal thoughts, but the point where I knew I should probably call T came when I could actually feel that suicidal “desire” in my body. Like each of my limbs was aching to find a way to end my life. Talking to T helped, but in an odd way. Because now I’m just numb. I don’t have any suicidal thoughts, but I really don’t know if I have any thoughts at all. No thoughts, no feelings. Just nothingness. I feel like I’m quickly heading down a rabbit hole into my old coping methods.
Work is the opposite. I’m 22 years old, and I have a huge office with windows, a couch, and chairs. I have an ivy plant on a filing cabinet. An ivy! I’m taking on even more responsibilities starting Monday due to the temporary loss of a second colleague on medical leave. Everyone is telling me I’m doing a great job, I’m learning really quickly, and they’re all being understanding and supportive of how much I’m having to learn in such a short amount of time. I feel like these should be reasons for me to stay in this world. Reasons for me to feel more self-confident. But it’s like those comments have gone into a bottomless pit.
I’m squeezing in a session during my lunch hour tomorrow. I already feel guilty, because I feel like it’s going to be a waste of her time. I put up such a facade for work that it’s going to be hard – maybe impossible – to remove it for just an hour. Especially because my workload is going to double tomorrow. I just wish I wasn’t so confused about where I am right now. It doesn’t help that I’m not being healthy at all, but part of me doesn’t even care at this point. Part of me wants to be unhealthy because it’s a passive way of SI. How have I taken so many steps backward?